Thursday, September 4, 2008

Fear and Loathing in the Sky (or IMbalance)

I don’t know what it is about flying that gets me in a knot of emotions. As the captain announced that our 757 was about to climb to 41 thousand feet, I was surrounded by at least 200 passengers, and there I was sad and welling up because of the absence of satisfaction presently in my life. Sure, I just saw a sad movie; sure, I'm in the middle of a book that talks about The Great Sadness which hit too close to home; sure, I am admittedly tired and have been overworked for the past two months finishing up reports and applications, going through meetings and planning site visits; but why the imbalance though? An analysis of my personal issues was needed to say the very least.

It is serious. I know it is serious enough when I have big self doubt and when I am beginning to hate myself once again, per se. I suppose this instability is brought upon some issues recently that I’ve been ignoring and pushing aside rather than deal with head on . Getting lost in the busyness of work or drowning yourself with activities upon activities will sooner or later catch up with you. In the end, in your most private moments (while crumpled up in physical pain or on a 20-hour plus plane ride, as I found out) you, your being in the center of your universe, will smack you in the face unrestrained with everything it’s got.
I am sad, imbalanced, unhinged, unsatisfied, hurt, disillusioned, disenchanted, disheartened, cynical, broken, jaded and ultimately tired and exhausted about all this. It’s not just one thing, I understand, but the inherent problem in all of this is that it is way too easy to focus on the shortcomings of one's self and blame it on our flaws. I am my own biggest critic and I am brutal.
I need to let go, forget, start over, find vindication, shower, shave, get a haircut, and find balance once again. I must let go of the unhealthy excesses that I’ve surrounded myself with especially the skeletons and the baggage that I have somehow picked up again. I see it now. It is clear, yet I know that it will be difficult to shake these off.
In my analysis of how I should cure myself of this self-loathing and doubt, I found this blog to be part of the unhealthy excess that must be trimmed. In the beginning, it was an avenue for me to share art, science, things of personal interest-simple things. Without planning for it, it became too personal: a window to my innermost self and intimate details. Sure, I built in some defenses, such as my anonymity and the promise from friends not to reveal my identity unless I approved, but who am I really kidding? I am exposed and my feelings and emotions are apparent. I am out there, and right now, I do not especially like myself, or even how I am feeling .

I do not know how to find the balance that I seek at this time, while concurrently maintaining Beachcomber on Saipan. The seemingly quick and simple answer to this is to just cut myself off and stop posting. The reasons for this blog in the beginning no longer seem to be the same anymore: the selfless somehow became selfish.

So, until I am able to find that balance or any viable reason that justifies enough for me to continue posting (or until there truly is ti napu) I cease to BE...

The Beachcomber
Thanks for your friendships. Take care now.


Forgotten said...

I am sorry you will no longer be posting - I enjoyed (and even looked forward to) reading your posts. I happen to love science as well - and yet there is definitely something more to it than just that in your writing that draws people in. There is an honesty and openness there that I rarely glimpse in others. I know that sounds strange what with the anonymity thing you have going on - I've wondered if that is not exactly the reason for it though. If you had not shrouded yourself in secrecy, would you have been willing to reveal (what I would consider )the "real" you? a good way, though. Thank you for sharing that part of you.
I hope you find what you are searching for...

By the way, Beachcomber?
The new profile picture?
Love it.


Sean said...

Ah, B.C. we need to get a cup of joe one of these days. . .

I hope your blog returns. Where else shall we turn for lore?

:) Hang in, my friend. Keep fighting the good fight.

Anonymous said...

We will sort this out when you get to LA, brother. Still, I'll miss seeing Saipan through your eyes and words. Let's ride!

Brit's Blog said...

:( I will miss your posts

Here's a thought...two weeks ago when my life seemed like crap and I felt like being alone in a dark hole to hibernate, one of my friends made me watch Finding Nemo. Yes, Finding Nemo.

All I remember from the movie was the part when Dori swims down into dark nothingness and says, "When life gets ya down, what do ya do? Ya just keep swimming...just keep swimming..."

Okay- so that may have been super cheesy, but the point is life seems down right now. It's gotten you sad...inconsistent, emotional, lonely...whatever it WILL pass. Chapters come and go. THANK GOD =)
I promise these feelings will pass...surround yourself with good insightful friends that will build you up and good food to snack on;) ;)

Keep your head up. Please get back to posting soon...or e-mail me.

miss ya!

Anonymous said...

BC -- this is the 1st i've read your blog...and i say...i found your writing very interesting...and i say...i've been there...and yes -- as brit wrote -- it will will find whatever it is you're searching for and happiness is a journey...please continue to write -- i personally think that it's a form of therapy...from me to you...stand strong -- stand proud -- take care of yourself and hope you feel better soon...

from saipan...currently residing somewhere in washington... :-)

Boni said...

Such beautiful posts, I wish you'd keep writing. It helps sometimes to help others when it seems there's nothing left for you. I know that's corny,but your writing is reaching others. Take care.

Anonymous said...

The emotional machinations! What's this about no longer posting?


Vero in Saipan said...

its a sad day in the blogging world. I was just thinking about you and hope you know that you are thought about often my friend. May G-d bless you and the wonderfulness that you are! In my prayers always!

CNMI Blogger said...

I like your blog and hope you will come back and write some more. More importantly, I hope you're okay. Although I am not supposed to know your identity, from what I read, I can tell that you are a good soul. I know some of the same people you're friends with. Find me if you want to have coffee and a shoulder to lean on. Most of all, I hope you rediscover that energy and excitement that made you glad you came to Saipan! :)