I am sad, imbalanced, unhinged, unsatisfied, hurt, disillusioned, disenchanted, disheartened, cynical, broken, jaded and ultimately tired and exhausted about all this. It’s not just one thing, I understand, but the inherent problem in all of this is that it is way too easy to focus on the shortcomings of one's self and blame it on our flaws. I am my own biggest critic and I am brutal.
I need to let go, forget, start over, find vindication, shower, shave, get a haircut, and find balance once again. I must let go of the unhealthy excesses that I’ve surrounded myself with especially the skeletons and the baggage that I have somehow picked up again. I see it now. It is clear, yet I know that it will be difficult to shake these off.
I do not know how to find the balance that I seek at this time, while concurrently maintaining Beachcomber on Saipan. The seemingly quick and simple answer to this is to just cut myself off and stop posting. The reasons for this blog in the beginning no longer seem to be the same anymore: the selfless somehow became selfish.
So, until I am able to find that balance or any viable reason that justifies enough for me to continue posting (or until there truly is ti napu) I cease to BE...