Friday, February 26, 2010

Once I Made Her Smile

I remember the day you were taken away from us. They say that this is the kind of thing that will never leave, a thing that will continue to be recounted. They don't know. I carry you with me everyday. For almost a decade now, I've kept the best memories of you and less of the tragedies. But today, my heart breaks again into fragments that I can't count. Is it because I am unable to count the pieces that I am unable to put them back together? I feel like such a mess.

Alone I mourn your loss, in the quiet of my own space. I try to push away the regrets, the faults, my fallible humanness and I am feeling sorry for myself. Why do I feel so lost? In the selfish way that they want to miss you, they forget that I mourn you too. They know that I am not to blame yet they need someone to direct their pain. So I steped up, my dear. I let them take, and give, and hate, and hurt. I've been beaten up but what does it matter anymore? I still can't bring you back and neither will their pain. But doing so doesn't honor you.

How have I honored you since then? Not enough. I am afraid, that I don't celebrate life enough as I should. I am a coward who just the other day wished aloud that it should have been me rather than you. How disappointed you would have been to hear me: the one who once made you smile.

I am sorry, my dear. It is just a weak moment and I just miss you. I miss your love.


Fly me up to where you are
Beyond the distant star
I wish upon tonight
To see you smile
If only for a while
To know you're there
A breath away's not far
To where you are
Ti napu.

The Beachcomber

5 comments:

Mai said...

It's easy to for others to forget the pain that you have to face everyday, but I want you to know, that in this moment I have tears running down my cheeks and my heart is breaking along with yours. :( I pray that you're able to find a soothing balm for your aching heart.

Bev said...

*sniff* Wish I was there to give you a big hug. Thinking of you. I'm going to call you this week. xoxo

Sean said...

God bless, my friend. Thinking of and praying for you.

Deece said...

I often keep such emotional and touching posts unread so I can come back and comment later, when I know what to say. But, even later on, I usually don't know what to say. I hope that for today your burden is lifted. I am sorry for your loss and for your pain.

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